(Stefani, this story is for you.)
Time to share a story that makes my blood boil and cry all the same.
When my second child was born (we have three now), we hired a nanny. Loved her. She was great. The kids took a huge liking to her. She was, in blanket terms, “the wife” I needed, helping with my children, errands, household chores, and cleaning. While everything was perfect, her reliability was not. There was a time when she actually didn’t come for 10 days out of an entire month, and there was a six month period when she didn’t have a phone, so when she was late or not coming, I just never found out about it. Further, she’d bring her daughter to work on certain days (and for an entire summer) because she had no backup childcare and demanded I pay her in full, something I never was totally keen on, but something I did because I valued her despite not loving the less-than-ideal setup given that I work in the house and I heard the ruckus the three [older] kids caused–not to mention she was dividing her attention between my kids and her kid. Still, I let this kind of unprofessionalism continue, since she was a gem. I ultimately presented her with an ultimatum (“you’ll lose your job unless you get a phone and figure out things with your family so you don’t miss work”), and she got much better because she valued working with us. She acknowledged on more than one occasion that she liked having me for a boss.
Fast forward about a year and she tells me she is pregnant. The news came as a huge shock, but I was fine–if she can still come to work, I will take care of her. But eventually, not only did she have lots of doctor’s appointments (which were full days off, not a few hours here and there), she also had issues with her other kids, and would take off of work because of required appointments, court issues, etc. A lot of her cancellations while she was employed happened the day of–I didn’t have notice. As a result, I would be in a rut, for lack of better word. I still worked from home, and when I was struggling with my 3 children while working, people would tell me she was taking advantage of me and I should really do something about it. I ignored them for two years–I didn’t want to take away this woman’s ability to care for her children, and she did such a great job with mine. I didn’t want to hurt her. Eventually, I had to do something. Her hours weren’t ideal, so while I loved the woman to pieces, I knew I had to let her go–but I did so making sure she knew the door was open for when things got better.
First, I have to say this was by far the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. It has taken an extreme emotional toll on me, one that I haven’t fully recovered from and one may have ultimately cost our relationship. If you read on, you’ll understand.
When I was ready, I told her. I should note that I didn’t sleep for nights prior to making the decision, because she meant that much to me. But I promised her that I’d take care of her and find her work. And I did just that — not only did I find something that was 10 times better than what she was having now in terms of the flexibility she needed, I also got her a salary that was, in short, kickass. Just like she took care of my kids like they were her own, I took care of her like she was my own.
I secured her this job while I was interviewing replacement nannies. But none of them were perfect. And she promised that she’d never leave me “high and dry” — her words.
The job I got for her was great, and last week, she trialed with her new family. They only wanted her one day of the week. She told me, however, that they wanted her three days of the week, so she worked for them all three days. This actually shocked them because they knew she was working for me, and they expected her to try them out one day and return to me for the remaining four days of the week. I thought she was obligated to them for three of those days, so I let her do it — I trusted her for years and I figured she was telling the truth in terms of being committed to them that week. At this point, it seems I was lied to. (I should add here that when she was with them during these three days, she broke an $800 lamp in the baby’s nursery, the only item of value there. Perhaps this was karma for telling a lie–but perhaps it’s also because she’s mostly communicating with one parent and I’m communicating with the other–yeah, I’m nice enough to still give her the benefit of the doubt. Regardless, the other expected her to work one day, not three.) Meanwhile, the nanny who was supposed to replace her in my family fell through, so I insisted that she come back to me instead of doing those three days with them. She refused — she said she was obligated to work for this family that very well knew she was still under my employment. She also promised she’d start with them on May 26th. Meanwhile, her new employers said to me that if I needed her longer, I could get her — she’s worked with me for so long so they knew it would be tough for me, and they had a backup plan. On my side, she was my backup plan. The new family had caretakers to fall back on. I didn’t. They’ve made it work for as long as they needed. I didn’t.
This past Monday, she didn’t come into work. She said her back hurt. I wasn’t going to force her to come in, but I admit I was freaking out because not only was I anticipating impending doom of having her leave our family, I was really dependent on these final days, as I’m training new nannies this week (and having her vet them). I told her that if she can’t come for all days of her last week, she needs to stay with me one week longer, and she should communicate to her new employer that she would start later. They told me multiple times that they’d be TOTALLY fine with that. She flat out refused, saying “I need this job, and you’re not giving me flexibility.” I said she’d have all the flexibility in the world in June, and I assured her it would not go any longer than that.
I still mean that.
She didn’t have any of it. Monday was a horrible day for me in terms of our communication (all via text, by the way), and on Tuesday, she showed up an hour late to work (all while ignoring all my phone calls and messages asking where she was) to tell me she wasn’t ever coming back, and she told me she lost her new job–which I learned later wasn’t true. (Thank you for making me feel like shit.) She said that she’d rather be a stay at home mom than come back to work, which clearly shows some brutal hatred for me after how much I tolerated from her over the years.
Nevermind that she didn’t say goodbye to my kids. Nevermind that my son turned 6 today and asked to see her. Nevermind that my youngest, who is 6 months, and my middle child, who is 3, have been with her all her life. My three year old has been asking for her too. My 6 month old is not responding well to anyone trying to feed her and she’s not sleeping well either.
One of the things I hate is being ignored. It’s my biggest flaw as a human being in that if you ignore me when I try to reach you, and you give me the silent treatment for a long time, I will not be rational. So when she told me she was wasn’t coming and then leaving, despite me feeling completely helpless, I lost it. The previous day, everything was good–she was going to go to my kids’ birthday party (she didn’t, blaming it on being unable to leave church, despite doing it a year ago prior at the same exact time)–she was going to make them feel loved–and in a 24 hour span, she decided she would slam the door on the family she helped raise. I tolerated so much shit from her throughout these years, giving her one million chances, and she couldn’t give me the decency of one chance and one extra week. I fail to see how this makes any sense.
I’m pretty devastated. We have always had cordial and professional conversations in person, and I’m a pretty rational person (save for situations like the above). If she judged everything from a text message on a day when I was super stressed, that would not be fair to me, as I was good to her for years in less than ideal scenarios, giving her so many chances at her job whereas she didn’t give me the time of day. I’ve given her 9(0) lives, SO many opportunities–I easily could’ve fired her when she took off half of the month of September in 2013. I could’ve easily fired her for not having a phone (but wanted to help her make money so that she could buy one! Am I the nicest person ever or what?). I could have easily fired her for bringing her daughter to work when I was adamantly against it and let her know that I didn’t like it. She gave me one single chance as far as I’m concerned. When I told her I needed more hours and flexibility, she begged me to keep her — I assured her I’d take care of her in other ways (a job, a severance, anything to let her know she is a member of my family and I will take care of her the best way I can). Plus, I told her this wasn’t the end and it was temporary because I needed more hours in the day than she could give me.
And then this happened. My sacrifice of aiming only to temporarily change our working arrangement, despite myself reminding her how much this hurt me (and has affected my emotional well-being, my job performance, and of course, my relationships) was all for naught, since she showed her appreciation by walking out on us. Like my mother-in-law said, this is a bad divorce–except there was no warning. Illogical.
At the end of the day, my kids are in the middle of this, and her hatred for me from one super stressful day (I didn’t owe her a job at all, but instead I bent over backward to find her the BEST job for her, including negotiating her salary), hurts them. It hurts me a shitload too.
The funny thing is that I wasn’t planning on talking to her new employer. I was so pissed that she was stolen away from me, which is how I saw it. But her new employer reached out to me out of the blue, saying she was so sorry about everything that was going on, and wanted to clear the air. I told her what happened and that this woman quit on me. She had no idea — she was appalled that she’d do this to me and my children. She also said she never got fired! Yay for lie #2. (Lie #3 – that she’d never leave me high and dry. Riiight.)
I will also say that despite being heartbroken on that phone call with her new employer, I still wanted to make clear that I didn’t want to sabotage her new relationship. Despite her sabotaging 3 years of fun and, outside of text messaging (where the most frequent phrase there was “I’m not able to come into work today” followed by “You’re killing me!”), mutual respect always, I made it known to her boss that I didn’t want this to affect her chances at employment. Despite being trampled on, I’m still looking out for her.
The moral of the story: If I have to replace a nanny for similar reasons, I don’t think I will ever find them a job again. This situation is like a parent walking out on her children. They loved her like she was one of our family members–as did I, and I really wanted to leave on good terms. I envisioned giving her a big hug and wishing her the best on her last day, to welcome ongoing communication about her family (and new baby) and mine, and for the door to be open when things are better. For her, though, this is good terms — turning her back on the children she helped raise, because of obvious beef she has with me due to the emotional toll this whole situation has on me, which has never been easy for me but has been destroying me from within. I obviously cared about her more than she cared about me, because she didn’t forgive the very stressful situation she knew I was in and used it as fodder for her exit. It’s disgusting.
Her new employer tells me about a time when a nanny walked out on her wife. She still remembers it to this day. I can only imagine the damage this will do to my children. They may be resilient, but they are hurting. Somehow, the hatred this woman has toward me due to one bad day is worth hurting these beautiful children. I know she didn’t dislike me before this. I could share all of our text messages indicating her respect for me, and I know she wasn’t giving me BS. She meant it. I’m not a bad person or a bad boss.
I normally wouldn’t share anything like this, as most of you know me as a pretty private person. But I guess I’m still not being rational. It’s been a tough few weeks, but I try to wake up from a bad day with a positive attitude the next day. However, when the next day came in this case, it was anything but positive.
I’m sorry. To everyone–including the nanny who thinks of me as someone who gives off the impression that I must’ve abused her for three years, because who storms out on innocent children after one conversation?–despite the fact that she has told me she appreciates me as a boss and that I’m funny, and especially when being so forgiving after all the missed days and not firing her earlier. From what happened to me, though, after a single freak-out conversation where I pleaded with her to stay a few days longer, I guess I am a horrible person who deserved it–at least according to Isabel, I was, because she did something so rash. It’s sad that my children were put in the crossfire. I hurt for them and I hurt for me.
I hurt for Isabel, too, to have pushed her over the edge so much in a single conversation so as to blow me off without any notice, despite the fact that I was promised regular communication and all she needed to do was pick up the phone and talk if it was bothering her so much. I’m more flexible than I sound in SMS. I am sorry again.
I don’t write this to make peace with her–that ball is in her court as I never initiated this (beyond making a temporary decision that was right for the both of us), I simply expressed my stress in a way that she clearly was not receptive to, which was never personal. Isabel made her bed and now she can lie in it. (I’m lying in mine thanks to anti-anxiety pills I haven’t taken in nearly a decade, all because of this.) I write it so that I can explain to everyone why this member of the family is no longer, acknowledging that it was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me, from decision to the ultimate outcome, all of which were a treacherous few months. I write it to acknowledge that I still love her but she doesn’t seem to want to forgive the pain I’ve endured to get to this point, which has been nothing easy–but I get it, now that she has an exit (whereas she didn’t have one before), she’s taking it in earnest and burning the bridge in her wake. I write it so that maybe I’ll have the guts to share with her how I am interpreting her actions, and how she should’ve interpreted mine.
I can recover from losing a nanny. While none of the nannies I’ve interviewed to date are perfect (the last one lied about her reference), I know I’ll find someone. The issue isn’t about losing a nanny. The issue is about losing someone who was so important to us and who was like family to us. There were better ways to part ways. This was simply not it.
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