So while it sounds like things are hunky dory, in reality we are still sad.
Three days ago, my just-turned-3-year-old Sarah told me something very moving, which shows the impact of what happened on the children.
She acknowledged that our former “family member” helped build her toy trike, but said “but I won’t say her name, because she hurt my feelings, and she hurt my mommy’s feelings.”
I’m in awe.
But I’m also sad.
She also colored all over the wall of her room:
So it’s clear this is not an easy thing for the children.
Nor for me. Last night, a few people I have pushed out of my life emerged in dreams. Nightmares. And it had everything in the world to do with this–being down and all (and clearly still getting kicked while I’m down). It’s rough. My stress score is a whopping 425 (though I’m not sure if I should add another 73 points for what was kind of like “divorce.” Anything over 300 is bad).
I did what I could, reaching out (to date, without response) — the rest is up to her.
The silver lining of all of this for me is that I didn’t eat much last week since the whole thing has taken an emotional (and physical) toll on me. That meant I actually didn’t gain so much weight after I had two massive back-to-back stressful events last weekend that involved close to 150 people and lots of food. (Maybe that’s why I had a rough Monday morning, which was less than 24 hours after the second event?)
Also, I’m putting a lot more focus on the kids. They need their mommy. It also helps to have someone until 6pm–something new to me and why I did it altogether–which means that at 6, it’s “mommy and me” time. I never had that ever before since I had to work with kids screaming and a little munchkin on my lap who would often cry which made work all that much harder (and much more drawn out!). Now at 6pm, I give the kids more focus (though the munchkin still occasionally wants to cry). When Alana isn’t screaming her head off, it’s awesome. Throughout the day, I also try my best to stop and “smell the roses”–that is, my children–a little more often. They are my roses, my flowers, and they are blooming into beautiful people who impress me every day.
Today, I spent over an hour playing catch with Sarah. We had the best time ever. David and I had David time–he sat on my lap and we just talked. I joined Alana on the mat on the floor and watched as she continues to discover her hands and play with toys. I also made her laugh! Her laugh is infectious. She’s seven months old today.
All of this makes me think about what all moms want: I wish I could be a stay at home mom who can afford to watch (and play with) her kids all day. I am a workaholic and I won’t deny that, but I do it for my kids. I could never fully retire, but I would have a bigger focus on making these little people into great adults–and more importantly, enjoying the cuteness that defines them right now.
In happier news, as I wrote the first half of this post yesterday afternoon, I was showing pictures of David as a <1 year old to Sarah and David. I asked Sarah “who’s this?,” pointing to a picture of David when he was around 10 or 11 months old. Sarah had no idea, despite me insisting that she guess. I finally told her who it was. She gave a huge chuckle and said “David!!! YOU’RE SO CUTE!”
I mean, what three year old (emphasis: age!) says that about an “older” person? I LOVE THAT GIRL!
Moving on. From now on, we are returning to our regularly scheduled programming: the awesome that is my kids. I don’t think I will be posting about miserable stuff anymore. That doesn’t mean it’s out of mind (it’s definitely not!)–it simply means that I am returning to the true intention of this blog. If you want to check in, you always can–and I have very much appreciated all of the kind words and support from everyone.