I may be a mother to a four-week old son (time is already flying — yes, he’s four weeks old today!), but as a woman who was pregnant and living in a metropolitan area, I feel that I should comment on the issue of rights for pregnant women, especially on public transit.
I wrote about the pains I encountered during pregnancy, pains that were so severe that they sent me to the doctor for an evaluation that ultimately led the hospital staff to tell me I was in labor. (The pains were not related to labor, though — it just so happened that I was at the hospital at the right time, which also happened to have been 6 weeks early.) Before I became pregnant, I was of the mindset that women simply were biologically and anatomically equipped to handle carrying a baby with all the heavy weight and all, and that it was not too much of a challenge. Yes, women are “wired” to carry babies, but beyond morning sickness which everyone seems to know about, there’s a lot more discomfort that comes with pregnancy. A baby doesn’t just live in your belly; it starts off as a cell and it grows pretty darn fast (though not fast enough since 9 months is a long time). In my particular case, the muscles surrounding the pelvic bone started working overtime, and the pain while walking, putting on clothes, getting into (and turning in) bed, and getting out of a car was almost unbearable. Breathing was difficult for 3 months as the baby was pushing on my diaphragm. I kept saying to people asking how far along I am that I wasn’t far along enough and that I wanted my son to come out. I didn’t expect to deliver early but I planned on pleading my doctor to induce labor when the time was most appropriate.
Today, I learned that the NYC Transit will be fining individuals $50 for not giving up their seat to the disabled when asked. This couldn’t have happened a moment too soon. I’ve been reading stories for months about how pregnant women simply believe they have entitlement to these special privileges, but that’s hardly the case. Sure, without having carried a child myself, though, I’d have been this ignorant.
The Wall Street Journal had a blog post in March about this specific issue. The blogger was a 6 1/2 month pregnant woman who hasn’t encountered any kindness from strangers. Even though she was visibly sporting a bump, people would ignore her and make her stand in crowded trains and subways.
You’d think to feel pity on this issue and yell at the insensitive clods who sat idly and tried not to acknowledge this woman’s “disability.”
The thing is: she’s not alone. And many people in their ignorance think that she’s not disabled — or perhaps that she doesn’t deserve to be helped.
I shared the story of my travels from New Jersey to Florida in my 28th week of pregnancy (7th month). I tried to board early given the discomfort I was in (and to avoid being smashed by luggage and hurried people on that totally oversold flight) and was reprimanded by the gate agent, an older woman. I took her badge name down and complained to the airline’s corporate office. I got a call the following week from a severely sympathetic mother who said that the particular agent in question will be retrained.
See, the thing is: people who have been pregnant before can relate. Most husbands can relate too (or significant others, friends, or family members who have actually endured the months of complaints — we’re not making it up for our health!). But perhaps 10-20% of individuals can’t. And as such, women who request these special courtesies get shot down.
This post is going longer than it could, and I hope the discussion itself goes even longer. The bottom line is that pregnancy is not easy. The swelling and the pain are not always bearable. You don’t “get used to it”; babies grow so quickly that the pain varies from day to day (but when it relates to the baby’s size, the pain usually gets progressively worse).
Sure, there is always the school of thought that women are entitled to nothing because pregnancy is a choice. After all, if you opted in, you should totally suffer the entire time. During the course of my pregnancy, I repeatedly whined to my husband that if I had the option, he would be the pregnant one.
On a rainy day last November, when I was about 12 weeks along and not yet visibly pregnant, I slipped and fell on an MTA bus because the driver decided to step on the gas before I sat down (since I was walking to the back of the bus as I did not yet require the disability seating). My entire weight fell smack on my knee which crashed onto the floor. The pain lasted for about 3 weeks. My knee turned color too. I remember being happy it was only my knee and not the baby.
But while pregnancy is a choice, these are risks that are even more dangerous as pregnancy progresses. What if I fell when the bus lurched forward and the baby was hurt? What if someone’s desire not to come to my aid when I clearly could use it resulted in a fall that could injure my child? When it’s obvious that the person walking onto the subway or bus is pregnant, get up and give up your seat. Do you really want the death or injury of an unborn child to be indirectly attributed to you?
Pregnancy may be a choice, but so is playing that sports game that resulted in that stress fracture in your ankle. Saying that pregnant women do not deserve the seat to that person who was “careless” would be awfully wrong. Only one of those people is currently in the process of helping the human race thrive.
My rants can go on and on. I know others feel the same way about the lack of respect the pregnant and infirm receive on public transportation, especially when they clearly are in pain.
Please — if you haven’t been pregnant, you simply can’t understand. If there’s one thing I learned when I was pregnant it was that it isn’t too fun, and consequently, I’m a lot more sensitive to those who are currently enduring it. (Hang in there, ladies!)
This is an amazing post that everyone, regardless if they are a parent, should read. I’ve seen a few times where people, who don’t have children, indicate that pregnancy is a choice and is not disability.
With the “pregnancy is a choice” argument, not every handicapped person was born that way. There are some who are handicapped for the choices that they made. Does this mean that because their handicap is the result of their choices, they shouldn’t be given the same level of respect as someone who didn’t have a choice to be handicapped? Why is it so easy to say this about pregnant women? Is it because we are not able to differentiate between handicaps as to who caused their handicap and who didn’t, but we can obviously tell that a woman is pregnant due to her growing belly?
With the “pregnancy is not a disability” argument, it is just like you said, morning sickness is not the only symptom of pregnancy. With my first child, my entire lower body was swollen and it hurt to walk. You could see me wince in pain when I had to. On the metro, no one would offer their seat, especially men. With my second child, I was bedridden when I was seven months pregnant. Why? My daughter was resting on my sciatic nerve, so every step I took caused sharp shooting pains. It felt like someone was cutting me down there. The only problem was that I didn’t have much help, so I had to still go out there and do things.
There is that expression that “It Takes a Village to Raise a Child.” It seems that the village is crumbling. People no longer try to look out for one another and try to help, even if it’s a stranger. Everyone is so disconnected that they don’t even cherish a woman carrying baby. Now, you see people rolling their eyes and saying snide remarks when there is a situation involving a pregnant woman. We need to realize that this person is carrying a life. This life is our future, so what a woman is doing is amazing, and we should give her credit for that and realize that it’s not easy. It’s just a seat. Unless your feet are swollen and you have shooting pains, you don’t lose anything by giving up your seat to a pregnant woman.
Ok, I am done with my book. =D
AMEN. So very well said!
When I was 7 1/2 months to 8 months pregnant with my son, I had to go get my 4 hour glucose test on a Saturday morning. I was at a new lab I had never been to before, and I had to wait for an hour in a long line outside (about 50+ people), and then inside leaning against the wall, and sitting on cement flooring just to get in. Once they opened the doors, everyone bum rushed the door and I became the bumper in a sick game of human bumper bowling. My stomach was hit, elbowed squished, and smashed into the wall. I began shouting that I was pregnant, please stop hitting my stomach. I was not worried about getting the “first” spot. I would have gladly gone last to avoid any issues. I was simply in line. I thought waiting in line was still civilized.
Anyhow, once inside and checking in, all the chairs and even most standing room was taken. The waiting room was very small and there were a lot of people. I asked the receptionist if there was anywhere I could sit. I had a special appointment to do my 4 hour test, and I would be there 1/2 the day, and could not stand the whole time. She said, wait for a chair. I was clearly distraught, and walked to the middle of the room. No one cared, and when I asked one man if I could sit down, he scoffed at me in response, and his wife (who had a child) shook her head and sarcastically said “give me a break” to me.
I ended up standing in that room the whole time. I had to drink my sugar drink, wait an hour, get blood drawn. Wait another hour, get blood drawn, etc, etc. By the end, I was shaking and weak. I walked outside and my husband had just arrived to pick me up. I got in the car and just started crying, I was so upset.
I called and complained and the lab just didn’t care. My doctor, however, was livid (as was my husband).
I can’t believe the way we treat each other in this world, and the way those who would seek to continue the human race are scorned. Pregnancy is a choice, and so is kindness. Would you look down on one who makes a choice to have a baby, and revere one who chooses to be awful to their fellow human being?
Giving up a chair when you are able-bodied is a no-brainer.
Thanks Tamar for yet another wonderful post!
Oh and one more thing… if you see expectant mother parking, and you are not expecting … DON’T PARK THERE. It is not “express parking” for people getting last minute baby shower gifts.
We have this at Babies R US out here and it pisses me off when I see some lady who is just hurrying to wrap or bag her gift in the back of her SUV as she hurries to a shower.
The wise women posting before me has summed up the situation quite well. Aside from the fact that common courtesy has become an oxymoron, it is amazing how willingly oblivious some people can be when faced with a minimal inconvenience. Strangers had no problems feeling up my belly when I was pregnant whether they asked or not, but they seemed to have much greater difficulty giving up a seat on a bus or a train to me when I was heavily pregnant. It was surprising and sad and I hope it will change.
That should have been “have” and not “has”. And your son is beautiful BTW. Congratulations!
This is crazy stuff. Maybe because I live in Texas and don’t ride trains or the subway, I was fortunate never to experience this. I don’t recall a time where someone didn’t offer me a seat or to help me on an airplane when I was pregnant.
I was even teaching college students when pregnant with my first baby and the students were always very nice and respectful. I guess I was lucky!
Congratulations!